It was December of a particular year when I thought what I had prayed for had finally arrived. Though this gift was not packaged well, having obvious rips and tears, I still believed it was sent to me by God himself. It proved how stupid and naive I was, guided by a warped sense of optimism. Where we met does not matter, so let me hurriedly fast forward to the parts that I should tell.
Honestly, I’m not very keen on his age, but I know he was about twenty years my senior. Our conversations were deep and very interesting. It was rooted in lively discussions about life, its purpose, some about history, passions, the future. He always held my attention even if I did not feel like conversing. He wore a facade of humility and had a presence that mimicked peace and safety. He was a very professional individual and occupied a respectable job, earning a good salary. I’m a sucker for intelligence! He often called, and each conversation was never like the first; nothing repeated that would bore me, but always something captivating and intriguing. For me, it seemed like we had the same mind, shared the same interests, and wanted the same things in life.
When we spoke, there were some red flags here, some cautions and stop signs there, but I still went along for the ride stupidly hoping that the destination would be worth it. He gave no solid answers to questions I would ask. And at his age, of course, I assumed he must have at least one child. When I asked him, he would go around the question, never really giving a solid answer and when I asked if he was involved with someone else, he would do the same for that question as well. All questions he skillfully answered with no answers. As time progressed, his conversations leaned more to a sexual nature. He would move from hinting to suggesting and eventually to set a date and time. As you read in my previous posts, I don’t regard much about myself, so there is nothing about me I would be willing to protect. I was a people pleaser, eager to ensure others were happy while not giving two cents about my happiness. So as you guessed it, I reluctantly submitted.
When that day finally came, I saw for the first time the real Mr. Y. I hated what I saw and wondered how I could have possibly missed the obvious. I knowingly opened the door and in walked this lanky frame wearing heavy combat boots. His slender arm boasted an expensive gold-plated watch and his attire conservative. His mannerism struck me as odd, and his presence now made me uncomfortable. I remember his eyes dancing with excitement. They beamed through thick black-rimmed glasses. I was disgusted with what I saw. “Eww,” I thought to myself. I watched as he entered through the glass door, my mind trying to decipher if this was the same man I had seen some time before. He handed me a chocolate bar along with something- else, I don’t quite remember. After brief talks, we went to the room. I don’t have to spell the whole thing out, you are smart enough to fill in the gaps. And quite frankly, I don’t want to relive that day. Anyway, when he was almost through, he had the idea to tell me that he lied. Having the audacity while still in the bed to open his mouth and say the cruelest of words, my ears did ever have the displeasure of hearing. His tongue helped form the sentence, “I am married with two children.” Those six bullets he shot through my soul. I can’t even say I was shocked because shock is not a fitting word. I couldn’t process any emotion I felt. Many random scenarios plagued my mind; what if his wife finds out, what if his children find out. I thought of how such news would destroy lives. What if he kills his wife because of me or his wife kills him because of me. I couldn’t bear the thought that I would have been responsible for destroying people’s lives and sanity, though I unknowingly committed the crime. Like seriously, would you reading this give me a second chance? For such an act? I should be dead.
I keep freaking destroying my life by letting in people who don’t mean me well. All in a desperate attempt for one person to say the words I love you. Yes, I did pray to God, and yes, I did beg him for forgiveness, but I don’t feel that was enough. So now I am weighed down with a burden to walk with for the rest of my days. Just my two cents here; Please don’t use a man to validate you but instead validate yourself. Here is a life lesson from my foolishness, go and learn this lesson well.
Depression, Suicidal ideation, Self harming...You're NOT ALONE! 